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12/27/06 03:17 am - ex-boyfriends you still want

We broke up and I vowed that i would get over you and not think of you anymore...but

4 mins ago I texted you for the 6th time today.

I  dont have unlimited texting.

I sit here racking my brains because of the stupid "yes" you gave me the other day. when I asked you to hang out. I dont know or understand why Im soo excited to be around you, after all you did break up with me.

You call me when I least expect it. Granted most calls are not expected, but as obsessed this sounds, when you call it feels soooo different.
I want you to want to call me. I want you to want to call me and talk to me and hold me and DAMN IT, be my man.

This sucks. You say that you are not ready to be with me. That you are just a friend to me. But last night you told me that I am the depiction of the perfect girlfriend and that you love me. YOU STILL LOVE ME!

So, if I love you and you love me, why are we here, not loving eachother,but instead watchin eachother as friends. The kind of friends that dont really hangout ever and when they do, give each other the akward buttout hugs. And def, DEF not kiss. 

WEshould be kissing. I mean if you love me and I love you we should be at LEAST kissing. 

But im patiant. I would much rather not have you or be kissing you whilest you tell me that you miss me and still love me, then watch you kiss someone else.
and as far as I know you are not and have not been kissing someone else... THANKYOU GOD!

bUT THEN AGAIN... Just because you dont say your kissing someone else, does it mean you realy arent. your a good kisser. A GREAT kisser actually.

But this whole you and me lovin eachother and being single and not kissing eachother really sucks.... lets work on this.
and kiss.

and often.
well, i miss you. and I hope that some time soon, what ever it was that you need to break up withme to figure out has been figured out, cuz i want to kiss you.
and kiss you as your girlfriend.... not as that friend that you still love

12/15/06 07:52 pm - FINALS SUCK!

Si right now I am thinking about everything BESIDES studying for my finals next week. This semester SUCKED....alot. and i am really just looking forward to starting again after break and pretending like it never happened....but yeah I am glad that I am at leat still here trying. It would just be nicer if my efforts saw some more fruits for this damn labor.....next semester..im gettin a job. spending money is always a good outlet. lol. Mybe santa will be nice and give me a fat stocking full of money....hopefully filled with $50's...(I wish)
I am happy tho that in less than a week I will be with family and friends having a good time and relaxing. and as soon as it snows Ima go snowboarding for the first time in MY LIFE!!!......so fuck finals
Current Location: COLLEGE
Current Mood: determined

12/15/06 04:56 pm - I met this wonderful girl.....she is wonderful

So there is this girl that I have started talking to. I flirted with her a little and was friendly gettin to know her and all that and I thought she was sweet. I have been in the process of getting her favor. I started with this post on her page.

TO: miss captivating
From: the one who still wonders about you

I wanted to take some time out in my day to tell you that you are on someone's mind today. mine. and I hope that some day you can be not just in my head's day dreams but also in my life. a friend. hope ya day was amazing.
bise bise 

Later on we started exchanging emails. I didnt think that she as that interested in me at first just because she has a myspace that is dedicated to this guy friend of hers that she is in LOVE with. I mean they dont go together but the hearts around his name everywhere are pretty selfexplainitory. But i just enjoyed making her happy. Okay I understand there is little one can do online but at the same time just knowing that she was finding pleasure in my words made me want to do it more.....

So then one night after we had exchanged phone numbers for the first time...on line...I promised that I would call her and leave her a message on her voice mail. See, it was super late at night and she had the day off tomorow. I wanted to be able to wish her goodmoring but being the college student that I am, I figured that I would ethier be in class when she woke up...or in class. So i asked her to promise she wouldnt pick up and I called her.
I sang for her on her voicemail. I have this nickname I gave her "Pinkiebird" and I thought that Bob Marley's three little birds would be a good song for her to wake up to.

She loved it. infact, along with that I had promised that I would write her a poem...
I WROTE A PIECE…this is not a real poem.

With the spirit and quickness of a bird she flashed in flight into my life….
Flightless, she takes the wings of my mind and takes them to heights not searched by me.
Sami. She said was her name.
Emphasis on no extra M or any Y.
I still can’t understand how without wings we fly…
Over our work, jobs, family and friends
The cyber world of letters and images is were we meet in the end
At dusk I ask her how she is doing anxious for her response
She has no idea that behind the keys Im just as nervous
My heart racing and pacing
Losing my mind
I think that this girl is one of a kind
My bird, loving pink
It’s cute and a bit girlie
She reminds me of life’s joys and I sit back thinking surely
This is the one that has come to answer my song
Fully dressed, heart to heart is how we caress
She touches me lightly and the impact is strong
With fluttering heart I sing her a song
A promise of hope and friendship in our future
To make sure that she knows how I have so much to teach her
About my love for her voice, heard for the first time today
And how she can say “doll”, and still its okay.
How I penguins and pink to her are all cute,
I see the same in how she constantly smokes loot. (lol)
I hope that she sees that my intentions are true
True is all I can give and all I can do…
So ode to the first poem I’ve written about sami
More surprises in store hopefully less geeky…
Cuz as it’s both our second times….hopefully this time we will do it right
As the sun soon will come, I must say goodnight.
Bise bise

my poetry is better and deeper than that...usually doesnt rhyme at all. that was just for fun..for you

instead I wrote her a piece but still...SHE WAS GEEKED. See now all of a sudden im like WHAT?!! I dunno. I dont think that there is anything wrong with her....we have never met in person and the first time she heard my voice was on that voicemail....but I think that she is anticipating something happening between me and her that I am not even trying to be on right now. I can addmit that I am flirtatious like a salesman...but im just not trying to sell myself or my heart just yet.

I dont want to hurt her feelings. she is a sweet girl and she shouldnt be hurt like I think she may have been hurt before....she asked me if I am this flirtatious and romantic with all girls...well. when Im single...yeah. i dont  see anything wrong with that.

whats wrong with making someone feel special if they are special? I just dont see how to show her that I am not interested in anything more than friendship....she sent me this to my page...

To: The one who keeps me geeked.
From: The one who will try to do the same for you.

Well I'm just droppin by to send you some love. It's been cool talking to you, but I am fo sho really looking forward to kickin it with you!! ;)
i can't wait gurll. Keep in touch.. as in like daily bia! PeAcE bAbE

how do you respond to something like that? and then it got worse...she added me in her profile....

But I met this girl the other day and she is taking my breath away. wish me luck. I am looking for somthing real and I think she is as real as it gets.

So now what am I sposed to do... SHE IS WONDERFUL...but i am soo not ready for this. I just got out of a relationship that was a year plus and I dont think i am ready to recommit. damn.....
and we already have plans to go ice skating and hotchocolate this winter. Im sposed to go over to her place and hangout with her. Oh lord....pray for me

Current Location: COLLEGE
Current Music: john legend ordinary people
Current Mood: confused

12/10/06 06:25 pm - I acted like I wasnt into him....and he showed some heart

Why is it that it takes extremes for guys to actualy respond with thier actually feelings.
I hate how I dig and dig for what he is thinking, wanting, feeling and as soon as I make him believe that I have no interest in him and his feelings at all he is there ready and willing to spill EVERYTHING. what the hell guys. why are some guys so scared of st telling people how they truely feel about things.

I think that he is unsure of us. Of whether or not he is truely interested in me. So the second that he feels that I might actualy not be interested in him he freaks because he thinks my not wanting him is also pressure to make up his mind. If i walk away then he will be losing his chance to have there as an option..just in case he ever feels like dating me. I really dont understand how you can be so unsure of how you feel about someone.

I always thought it was soooo straight forward. ethier you like them or you dont. I mean I guess there are those situations where you dont know the person well enough but the way I see it is, then you cant have an opinion about them if you dont know them.

But he knows me...very well. He knows what I want and he is still unsure of how he feels. I cant help but feel like this is just an excuse to say he isnt interested.

So then there poses the question...well if you think that he isnt interested in you then why are you still trying to talk to him? well its a simple answer that has an array of complexities....CLOSURE.
see if i understand what he feels, why he is or isnt interested it helps me understand the hurt I feel, or evalute our relationship and the situation. If he doesnt tell me then I am left with my mixed emotions and feelings about it. Which with all the human aspects of it, will leave me feeling like I was a bad girlfriend. or that I did something wrong, I mean dosent something have to happen for you to just stop wanting to be with someone that you swore you loved? So of course i AM GONNA WANT AN EXPLANATION.

basicly It is getting harder to understand what to do
Current Location: COLLEGE

12/6/06 09:05 pm - There is a fine line between "good" friends and friends with benefits

So I know we have all been there. We have a friend that likes us.....a crush, fling, sweatin us whatever you wanna call it. WE have all been there.

But what do you do when after you let that person know that you are not interested in them they continue to....

Questionable Situation
1.joke about you hooking up publicly
2.they flirt like mad and its more than obviouse they still sweatin you
3.they give those long lingering hugs where they rub your back and touch you ALL over
4.They continue to ask you to stay over late..so they can spend "quality" time with you.
5.they always gotta sit all extra close to you on the couch when your watchin grey's
6.They are all like "hey what did you do, or how is life" when you allready answered that question.
7.the only time they talk to you on line or on the phone is after you break up with someone and they wanna know "what happen" and to 'copmfort' you.
8.they never wanna kick it in public, its always gotta be in thier dorm behind closed doors.

WELL THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN FRIENDS AND FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

1.joking about hooking up with me in public really makes it hard for me to feel comfotable because i dont feel for you like that. and i really reject you with out hurting your feelings. so stop it. ITS NOT FUNNY

2.Good friends can make sly comments when its appropriate, but the flirtin only works if you havent been rejected before and I think thats been done.

3.When friends hug...in no situation what so ever if I am not crying should you be rubbing me. I do not need conseling evertime we hug. just hug 3 secs ish and its over. if we havent seen eachother in a while then you give multiple hugs..same time requirements

4.How come you always want me to stay late as hell at ya place?....we aint watchin a movie, we aint even hanig with other people. no cards nothin. so the only reason you would want me to stay late at ya place is so that you can get a chance to get phyiscal. cuz we sure dont talk enough for me to stay late as hell. then I gotta walk back to my place on campus in the dark. and you dont eva call SAFE RIDE/WALK.

5.why you got that big ass couch and you always gotta sit on rit on me and shit! what eva happened to personal boundries. I dont care if we have history....we aint messing round now. you cant just be al close and shit...come on now. grow up. And there is a difference between beign close and being in a sexy state with eachother.

6.Its the most annoying thing the the world when someone asks you over and over how things are going. Im a college student....same as it was going yesterday. shit doesnt change much. So then im like well i guess you are tryin to make small talk with me. come on now. we are good friends. goodfriends dont make small talk. whats really good?

7.Why you always wanna pop up outta no where and ask me whats happen when i get out of a relationship. HOW OBVIOUSE IS THAT?!!! cuz you never wanna know how me and me other are doing when we are together, just when we break up. always ready for a rebouynd.

8. why dont we ever kick it outa your room? you embarrased of me or somethin? I mean dang. you act like I dont like to hit a party or go bowling or be active or some shit. I sit inside all day studing. im not trying to do that all night too. sides coming from my point of view it just looks like you wanna try some sneaky shit.

but its whateva

10/17/06 08:57 pm - Its all over....or is it?

Today was the last day of practice for me. I didnt actually were my tennis, I didnt get all hot and stinky (lol), but i had to do something alot harder then a 4 mile run. I had to say goodbye to the team.

DAMN THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING EVER!

Those girls have no idea how much they mean to me. I WANTED SOOOO BAD TO STAY ON THE TEAM I was willing to drop a class to do it. (my advisor said no).
But I really feel like I could have made the biggest mistake ever just because i miss them soooo much. Alot of people dont understand how it feels to fight, struggle and overcome with some one but I did that 6 days a week with 28 other girls. I wish them nothing but the best and would honestly have thier back in anything that they wanted to do. even when they get me into trouble...wink wink

Being apart of that team was great and I really hurts me to walk away.

I cried in our coaches office before I talked to the girls and I tried hard not to cry infront of them eithier. I teared up alittle but i think i held my composure.....the walk home tho hit hard.

I was crying like a baby.
I felt like i was leaving my heart behind.
I could still hear the coxins shoutin orders out on the water.
It felt like they were callin me back.
I feel like i gave up on my girls and for that I am sorry,
but i know that this is one of the hardest things I have done but the one of the BEST experiences of my life.

I totally look forward to seeing you ladies next year. but you betta hall ass in the meantime!!!

Lets go WISCO!!!!
Current Location: COLLEGE

10/11/06 09:07 pm - I think Im DONE!!!

I know how much I talked none stop about how badly i really wanted to be a row gurl and everything. but for real guys...I DONT THINK I CAN DO ROWING AND PASS SCHOOL too. This is ubber hard and I am not trying to be a minorty statistic. IM GONNA MAKE IT TO SOHOMORE YEAR DAMN IT. And i had goals about making DEAN'S list and I really dont see it happening with all the things that rowing has to offer (aka...strip me bare of) such as time, energy, my life.....but seriously. I dont feel like ive failed myself at all because my goal was make the team. and experience what it is like to be a rowwer(sp?) and i have done both those things. GOAL SET. AND MET. so I think I think that i can stop now and be actually do something with mylife that will consist of me having a life after college. rowing is not gonna geet me into the Phyiscal therapy program at madison. so I think its time to let it go.....telll me what you think.

You guys dont understand how dead I am after practice...then my damn dorm cafeteria closes at 6:45 so its closed by the time I get back .
Our coach has us do 3 extra solo practices each week and I have yet to have time for that. then I have to do Phyiscal therapy everyother day because my knees are messed up. aint that a bitch

and yes i am aware that athletes get all this "perks" and what not. but believe me theyare not that helpful is you dont have the time to use them. plus I get those same perks with AAP and PEOPLE program so im straight!!!!
Current Location: COLLEGE

10/3/06 09:10 pm - I Just had to vent

it is the end of the day and i really am truly tired.

ROWING: My back is sore and it hurts to even lay down. My arms are strong as hell but im to tired to even show them off. My knees are starting to hurt agian, kinda like when I had to go to Phyiscal Therapy for them 2 years ago. DAMN. my hands just may start BLEEDING soon if I continue to row on these blisters. I can hardly grip the handle let along my damn fork at dinner. I am having trouble feeling the whole team spirit thing when people keep giving me the "you kinda suck" look. But i feel like crap.

SCHOOL: I am soooo nerves about midterms and all that. I honestly dont have time to read all that i gotta read. and I cant make myself better at french unless i have a tutor. But what tutor wants to meet at 7:00 to 8:00 on a week day. (no one) I cant really stand my public speaking class. not that I hate speeches. I just feel like I could have gotten a better use of my credits and time.

FAMILY: I know that people say that family comes first then school...but no one said that you get to have an extension on your assiangments when family becomes important. what to do..neglect your family and get fail? or get on the Deans list and lose the respect of your family?

RELATIONSHIPS: Well that is just a hot air of shit in ya face. I dont even wanna talk about it. If you care bout some one and they love you too...stay true. Its like time, once that min passes you can never get that same min back again. choose your mins wisely.

I am finding it hard to keep to my "flow" lately. I cant write, I cant think straight and I feel just takin a break. for real tho.so If you see me and I dont smile at ya, dont take it personaly b, I got a lot going on and its a twister of a life that we ridin on.
Current Location: COLLEGE

10/1/06 09:28 pm - the delima in the foolishness of wanting affection

I find that I am the type of person who feels that unconditional is always available in the form of moderation and probablility. I dont understand why people dont just give themselves because they want the other person to be happy. (When I say 'give themselves' Im not refering to sex) What ever happened to romance and commitment. Even if that person isnt the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you are gonna say that you are with them, in a relationship, shouldnt they deserve the respect of being the only person you are with regardless of if your fighting or not seeing eye to eye. If you want to be with someone wouldnt you willingly give up all the other relationships or people your just talking to? they dont mean as much as the one you are persueing right? for example..

*a girl named JEN gave her boi the chance of a decison of a future together. she had been cheated on by STAN many times and her heart still reached out to him to be loved. She looked past all his flaws, wanted him unconditionally, always forgiving him.

*so she asked him to promise her that they would stop talkin and messing around, but have a real relationship. for real. she would be his and he hers. But only if he promised her that he was going to be loyal.

*he said that he was NOT ABLE TO promise her that. He claimed that he was unable to because of other people that talked to him. he had to end those many affairs first. He also claimed that he was uneasy about her guy friends. He didnt like the fact that they were forever supportive for her and always on her side. He looked past the fact that the main reason she went to her guy friends for comfort was to have them dry her crying eyes when he hurt her.

*so she was angry. she felt that he did not deserve the right to put their relationship on hold for people that he claimed he didnt care about. If he was just talking to them, what would there be to end? She wanted to hit him in the jaw. She thought about all the times she had forgave him for hurting her, cheating, lying and even messing with her friends. AND NOW HE HAD THE NERVE TO FEEL UNTRUSTING TOWARDS HER because her guy friends gave her what he did not.

*LETS BE REAL Y'ALL. Round her we call that jealously. if you are unwilling to turn away from all others and sexaul temption the second a person asked you to be their's. YOU ARE NOT READY TO COMMIT. maybe STAN should tell JEN the truth and continue on with his promiscous ways. let JEN go on her marry little way and find honest love in her life. Some one who has the will and heart to love her with loyality and honesty.

***I will say that no matter who you are or where you come from, a person will find and feel the need to be cared for. It is human nature to feel and want affection. To have a person love you is a natural thing. Be it a bestfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, or lover. The point is that the human heart is on an endless pursuit of love. Sometimes it gets stuck looking for love in a person who doesnt actually have it for them back....but believe me all Hearts get tired of trying. so if you have someone who loves you STAN, hurry up and make up your mind about whether or not you love her back. Because JEN knows that there are many other hearts out there still searching for one just like her. And last time I checked...JEN was tired of not just classes but of searching for empty love from you. And tired of forgiving you for not loving her.

****SO I SAY GURLFRIEND...MOVE ON. Tell him that you and him should just be friends. not with benefits or rewards. JUST FRIENDS. you shouldnt give ourself to anyone who isnt man enough to promise you that you are worth being true to. No man is special enought to devalue youself. BESIDES...I heard that you are a very wonderful person, but inside and out. THERE IS ALWAYS OTHERS!!

JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT AFFECTION DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD SETTLE FOR JUST ANYONE. GIVE YOURSELF ALL THAT YOU DESERVE.
Current Location: COLLEGE

9/16/06 09:30 pm - I saw the damn list and....

I CANT BELIEVE I MADE THE ROWING TEAM!!!!! OMG!!! I honestly worked sooooo hard these last few weeks I dont even know where to begin on my "freaking out" mode. Do i scream or cry or jump or laugh or what?!!!! im super syked!!! HAYLI!!!, WE MADE IT GIRL!! This just goes to show that if you want something bad enough that you put in all that you have into it...nothing is unobtainable. thanks be to jesus...I didnt drown in the swim test...I didnt die on the 5 mile run....and I LASTED to the last day. wow. I can only be thankful. LETS GET THIS SEASON STARTED
Current Location: COLLEGE

9/15/06 09:16 pm - I PROMISE.....

1.To never let someone change my mind about what my faith has taught me. But never close my mind to new faith.
2. never disrespect someone because I do not agree or respect what they do.
3. never lie about how i feel even if it makes/keeps the other person happy.
4.never let myself behave in a way in public that I wouldnt want the world to watch and see at anytime.
5.never critize others for the weaknesses they show or for the strengthes I lack.
6.never juge others people for the ingnorance they have not yet got to learn about.
7.will not exclude others for thier religion, culture, life choices and experiences or sexual orintation
8. never let others disrespect someone or hurt others without standing up for them.
9.never forget where I came from and the where I want to go.
10. never let challenges in life bring me lower on the ladder that I climb to reach my goals
11. I will remember that what really matters is my character and humanity, there is only one judge...for me, that judge is god.
12. not forget that reagardless of how strong I am, it is ok to seek guidance.
13. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO LOOK FOR THE PATH WHEN IF I FALL OF THE TRAIL. its never to late to start again at a new pace.
14. treat myself as if I am allready the person I ASPIRE TO BE.
15. remember not to focus on being and having everything. in the beging, i was undetected, unknown and uneknowledged....the day I die will be the day that I will HAVE everything forever.

I promise to live life true to who I am and who I want to be, within the path of what I believe.
Current Location: COLLEGE

9/13/06 09:50 pm - Here is whats really good...

There once was a girl who realized that her life was about to change...she was going to endure things she never thought she would, met people that she hadnt planned on spending time with and go to classes that would inform her of all the wonderful things she would do in the near future of her life....but she was on the wrong track...a majority of her time was miss used in the craziness of her family. The ups and downs of a parents divorce and seperation just weeks before her first days at college. Leaving behind a younger sibling she worried about how her leaving would affet him in a time like this....then her boy friend began yet another season of football...all she really wanted was to talk to him and tell him about how excited and scared she was about this new collee experience but all he wanted to do was eat, sleep, play football and tell her that he would call her "tomorrow". Days went by...weeks..her best friends forever forgot that communication is the beat way to keep a friend ship as they exchanged thier friendship with lack of words. Then her bestfriend told her that he was moving away.not down the block or to the other side of town but states away. it seemed that now...when she needed someone the most...everyone was busy...GOD.!..they told her at church...god will help you find your way. So she prayed...she prayed and she listeed and she felt that she had to stop talkin to somepeople who were clouding her mind with frustrattion to hear better. so she stopped answering her phone...she listened...but her distracters just came to her dorm door instead....so she walked....she walked and she listened and took in everysound....then she heared it...the sound of crashing waves apon the sculped rocks of the lake mendota shore..and she heared the light whistle of the wind against the boarding trees...she was at peace. and then something called her attention...it was a voice of a woman....she asked.."excuse me...but do you row". she was started at first...caught off guard...answered no and collected herself to realize that inorder to focus...she needed something to drive her to focus....the water had called her when she listened. She decided to answer back.....and she rowed.
Current Location: COLLEGE

9/13/06 09:17 pm - LORD I am Still ALIVE....4 MILE aftermath

So basiclly I was stressin all week because today was the day that we had to run 4miles..turn out it was 4miles of hard running and 1 mile of warm up. THATS FIVE MILES OF CONSTANT MOVEMENT!!! Yeah, rowing aint a joke hommies. If you want a phyiscal challenge and to work with a group of amazing, driven people...get on the ROWING TEAM. This is possibly my second love (next to soccer and dance) because they dont treat you like a girl...well you know what I mean...they actually expect you to perform well, like a real athelet. IM SUPER SYKED! Today I RAN THE WHOLE 4 MILES WITHOUT WALKING!!! IN 42 MINS!!!!!!! I dont know about you guys, but that time was the Lord helping me out with that one. I CANT BELIEVE I DIDNT DIE DURING THAT RUN...I FEEL LIKE A CHAMP RIGHT NOW...anybody wanna race? "float like a butterfly sting like a bee"-M Ali I'LL beat that behind...lol. yeah but i did it and it feels amazing. I never thought i would be challenged like this before and I cant wait untill tomorow so that i can set new goals to reach. During that run, i felt all my pain wash away..every foot step, every time I passed a onlooker, or a damn tree on lakeshore path (lol), I FELT LIKE I WAS ACHIEVEING GREAT THINGS AND NOTHING WAS BEYOND MY REACH. I honestly havent done anything athletic for like a year and a half......the Lord never gives you anthing that you were not supposed to be able to handle...what hurts only makes you stronger. GOD IS GOOD.
Current Location: COLLEGE
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